My Dearest Amelia
by sahabyarddd
Summary: A letter from Eleven to Amy, following the events of The Angels Take Manhattan.


My dearest Amelia,

Hello. It's funny; I've been so full of things that I wanted to say to you, but now that I've actually come to write them down, I can't find a way so that they make sense. I want to tell you that I miss you, but that doesn't even really need to be said; I want to apologise, but there's nothing that can begin to do that; I want to tell you that I'm going to find you, Pond, but that would be a lie. I want to say so many things but I can't. So I'm just going to say whatever comes into my head and hope for the best. You know me, awful with words and all that.

Thank you. Thank you, Amelia Pond, for keeping me sane and for all the time that we spent together. This is going to sound clichéd and awful, but I will cherish those moments forever. I know that I wasn't always the best person to be around; in fact, sometimes I know I was awful and didn't deserve your friendship, but you still offered it to me. You offered me your friendship, your childhood, your life, and I didn't ever tell you how much I appreciated it. I really did. Every moment I spent with you was like I was alive again; like I wasn't a monster who masquerades as a hero. Did you know I've never spent longer than a day or two at a human's house? I've never felt the need too; I knew they'd always follow me wherever I went, but not you. You were stubborn and annoying and so, so, forceful, but that's not a bad thing. In fact, that's why I couldn't resist coming back for more. You were different. You disobeyed every single order I gave to you, yet you still had me hooked. You let me into your home, into every little part of your life, and asked for nothing in return other than that I consider staying a little while, and that was a whole new experience for me. Nobody's ever wanted me to be part of their family before, they've just wanted to come into my box and go on adventures.

I know I said that I couldn't find the words to apologise, but I'm going to try. The very things I just thanked you for are also the things I'm most sorry for. You offered me everything, and I took it greedily, relishing the fact that somebody new wanted me to be a part of their life. Children are always the most curious, the most vulnerable, and I should never have encouraged your fascination with me. I should have just got back into my blue box and left you well alone. You could've come to believe that I was nothing more than a dream, a figment of your imagination, and lived a normal life with Rory and your family. You never would have come out with me on adventures, you never would have had to go through Demon's Run, you never would have even known what a Weeping Angel was and you certainly wouldn't be where you are now. I took everything from you, and there is nothing I can ever do to fix that.

I'm also sorry for trying to make you stay with me, instead of going to Rory. Actually, that's not true. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. I am a selfish being, Amelia, and I would have done anything to prevent you from being taken by the Angel. You, Rory and River were my only friends, you know, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing two of you. Rory was gone and I knew River wouldn't stay with me forever, so I guess I just wanted to cling on to you. I wanted to bring you back into my TARDIS and keep you safe in there. I would have done anything for you. I'd have promised to stop going on madcap adventures for you, if only you'd have stayed with me. I would've lived with you in the TARDIS, floating around space and eating fish fingers with custard. If only you'd have stayed. If only.

But you didn't stay. You left me, and I resented Rory for that, even though I know it was the right thing for you to do. Why would you want to stay with me, a lonely madman with a box, when you had Rory? Rory and I were complete opposites; he represented a life, safety, a family, maybe a dog and I represented danger, running away, death. What could I possibly ever offer to you that would best what he could? He loved you. I loved you, too, but not like Rory did. Rory loved you like a wife; I loved you like a best friend, and what I had clearly wasn't enough. I'm sorry for resenting Rory. I'm sorry for resenting you. I'm sorry I am a selfish being. I'm sorry I ruined everything. But that's what I do. I take people away with me, and I ruin them. I don't mean to – I never mean to – but it always happens in the end. And I am so sorry for ruining you.

I sound like a crazy ex-boyfriend, don't I? That's not my intention, honestly. I just want you to understand. You left so abruptly that I never got the chance to explain anything to you. I wish I could go back in time and stop any of this ever happening, but even I can't do that. You'd think, being a Time Lord, that I'd be able to just fix everything by manipulating time or something, but I can't. I really, really, wish I could. I miss you so much, Amelia. I look around here and all I think about is you and Rory. We had some good times here, didn't we, Pond? The best times. But they're all gone now, and I'm just going to have to accept that.

I never even got the chance to say goodbye.

Goodbye Amelia Pond. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.


End file.
